“I Hate You God” - Four words that changed my life for the better.
To say I was angry was a gross understatement. The blood had drained from my face. I was trembling with rage. Shaking at my knees, my hands were clenched so tight that my knuckles white with hate. Perhaps the only reason I didn’t do something completely insane was because of who this hatred was aimed at… I couldn’t attack the person I was angry at. I wanted nothing more than to swing my hate filled fists wildly at Him with every bit of rage I could muster. The only problem was, it’s a little hard to throw a punch at God… The fact that I couldn’t take a swing at Him only served to fuel the fire.
I can still remember it so clearly - the day I was standing there in that little church. A little old church with the most uncomfortable seats known to man. I still can’t remember why I was there that day. I hated church. It reminded me of God… and I REALLY hated God. The only way He and I got along at that time was if I was able to think about other things. If thought about Him, or anything that related to Him, I was instantly angry. Kinda like a Bull seeing red - there’s no logical explanation for feeling so angry in that moment but when your that angry, you just don’t care!
I, like so many other people, up until that time had been sold a lie. A lie that caused me to believe God was to blame. That everything that went wrong was His fault. This subtle lie had such a noble face and sounded so true but was, and is, so incredibly destructive. Like any good lie it is incredibly simple. This lie could be spoken in just four simple words; God. Is. In. Control.
This might be the first time you have considered this statement to be a lie. I know the feeling - at first you think “that's not a lie… That’s completely true… Isn't it???” But as you begin to consider it a little more thoughtfully you begin to realise it’s not as true as it first seemed.
I didn’t know it at the time, but this single mistruth so deeply affected how I saw EVERYTHING. Especially the challenges, struggles, and hardships in my life.
A couple years earlier my son was born. This should have been the happiest moment of our lives. But as it turned out, it was one of the hardest. It wasn’t just the special needs that he was born with which were hard, it was the months in hospital. It was the countless operations. It was the doctors continuously finding more things wrong with him. It was the fact that we were told so many times that he wasn’t going to live. It was the years of sleepless nights. It was the continuous vomiting. Every. Single. Day. It was the suctioning, and life dependant medical care which we were responsible to provide our son. It was the fact that we saw our son in pain and couldn’t do anything about it. It was the fact that our little baby boy couldn’t hear our voices cause deafness had robbed him of hearing. It was the fact that we also couldn’t hear his voice because of a tracy in his throat which he needed to breathe and stay alive.
I’m not sure why I was in that little church that Sunday morning but it lead to one of the darkest, most raw, and ugly moments of my life - which has since become one of the most beautiful.
Long story short, as I was standing there, about midway back on the right hand side of this little old church, I felt something coming up from within me. I started to feel tears rolling down my cheeks and couldn’t stop them from coming. This knot came up from within me and when it reached my throat, what came out shocked and even scared me a little.
“I HATE YOU GOD!” Came flooding out in a broken whisper that shook my entire world. The tears had now been joined by sobs and snot - what I like to call “proper crying” was now in full swing.
All I could say was “I hate You God! I hate You God! I hate You God!”
I was shocked because even though I knew I was angry, I also knew I was good at covering it up… I didn’t think it would ever explode out like that. I was scared because I grew up a pastors kid which meant I knew we weren’t supposed to talk to God like that!
But what happened next showed me more about Gods character than the thousands of sermons I had heard up to that point. God, put His hand on my back and, in the midst of me hating Him, He calmly and gently said in a tone that screamed how proud of me He was, “finally son, something real.”
Here I was pouring out hate, and not only does He comfort me, but He is also proud of me. What the heck just happened!!!
Why do I share this story? Because I feel like there are so many people today who are in this same position. Whether they call themselves a christian or not, they are angry at God. And I want to let you know that it is totally okay. He is actually okay with that and would like to talk to you about it. Even if it means you need to scream at Him. And you know what, you can even use some pretty “strong” language with Him and He wont freak out… Trust me, I’ve tried it all… I had so many questions and things that I blamed Him for that I wanted answers. My problems were real, and I felt like He was to blame. The only answers I had heard were weak and cold. They told me that God expected me to just switch off my heart and my brain and move on… That’s not faith. Faith is raw, real, messy, and at times ugly. Faith is a conversation that is willingly transparent, trusting the other person is not going to turn away. Trusting that even at your worst, they will treat you as if your at your best. This is who God really is. He’s not the kinda guy who only wants to brag about you when your on top - He’ll stay and sit with you when your at your lowest and most horrible place.
As the story unfolded, I found a new life of complete freedom, peace, and fun with God. His kindness and gentleness in one of my most darkest moments caused so many lies to come crashing down.
There are many who are angry simply because they too have been sold the lie that “God is in control.” When this lie came crashing down it changed everything for me.
I now know, God is in complete control… of Himself. But He isn’t in control of much else. Not only that, He doesn’t actually want control. It’s not something that He’s interested in having. He’s longing for friends who are free, not slaves who He controls.
The only valid form of control in Gods world is self-control. Why? Because that's the only form of control that exists within Him. Self-control is something that He promises to give us when He puts His Spirit in us. It’s that good old rule of, “you become like the ones you hang out with.” His character and nature tend to rub off on ya when you spend time with Him.
So whether you buy into the whole “christian” deal or not, or whether you feel like you have it all together or your in a million pieces, none of it matters more to Him than getting to know you. The beautiful thing is, He’s not even gonna try and change you… He just wants to hang out with you. Although, I can’t promise that He wont rub off on ya…
Where ever you feel like your at today - share a conversation with God and let Him know how He has made you feel. He’s not scared of what you want to say and you might just be surprised by what you hear back!
Have you shared a moment with God like this? We'd love to hear about it in the comments below!